NEW IBERIA, LA — In what geopolitical analysts are already calling “the most Louisiana solution to international conflict,” a group of ten Cajuns from South Louisiana has embarked on a self-appointed mission to bring peace to the Middle East, armed with nothing but 300 pounds of live crawfish, a propane burner, and the kind of blind optimism only found south of I-10.
The delegation, known officially (to themselves) as the Crawfish Caucus, announced their plan at a press conference held at an LSU tailgate, between bites of boudin and lukewarm Abita. “We were sittin’ around the tailgate, talkin’ ‘bout how everybody’s always fightin’ over there,” said one of the caucus members. “And we figured, hell, ain’t nobody mad when they got a plate full of crawfish and some cold beer. So why not try it with Iran and Israel?”
This ten-man unit, including the likes of local Mayor Matt Broussard, Sheriff Robert ‘Blue’ Broussard, and key figures like Scudder, Sluw, and Moom, departed from New Orleans International Airport last week, with a package in tow marked “Diplomatic Crawfish – DO NOT BOIL UNTIL PEACE IS DECLARED.”
Upon arrival, confusion ensued at customs in Tel Aviv, where authorities mistook the crawfish pot for an “explosive device.” Matters only escalated when Scudder began seasoning the air with Tony Chachere’s “for ambiance.” Following a brief detainment and several confused Google Translate attempts involving the word “lagniappe” and “fais-do-do,” the group was eventually granted limited diplomatic status, mainly because both Israeli and Iranian officials were too curious to send them home.
A surprise outdoor summit was hastily arranged on neutral ground in Cyprus. Delegates from both Iran and Israel sat down with the Cajuns around folding tables covered in newspaper, bibs provided by Sluw, and communal buckets of boiled potatoes and corn. By hour two, Iranian and Israeli officials were reportedly laughing, toasting Miller Lights, and learning how to peel crawfish “with just a twist and a suck.”
“You know, we didn’t solve the nukes or anything,” said Moom, “but those fellas agreed to stop shootin’ rockets for at least the duration of the boil. That’s progress!” UN Secretary-General António Guterres praised the initiative in a statement, calling it, “a truly unorthodox but effective deployment of soft-shell diplomacy.”
When asked what their next step was, Mayor Broussard replied, “Well, if this doesn’t hold, we might try gumbo in North Korea. Heard that lil’ fella likes soup.” At press time, the Crawfish Caucus was seen boarding a plane with leftover sacks of Zatarain’s, shouting, “Next stop: world peace!” while one delegate attempted to sneak a live crawfish into the cockpit “for good luck.”
