BAY ST. LOUIS, MS — In what can only be described as a heartwarming misinterpretation of biology and basic survival instincts, local philosopher and part-time bait shop clerk Buford Fontenot has publicly declared that mosquitoes aren’t biting us, they’re hugging us with their faces.
“They ain’t tryin’ to hurt nobody,” said Fontenot, casually scratching a constellation of red welts on his neck that eerily resembled the shape of Florida. “They just real small, real affectionate, and their love language is blood.”
Buford made the announcement at his cousin’s backyard shrimp boil, shortly after being swarmed by a cloud of mosquitoes he referred to as his “little blessings.” Eyewitnesses say he stood motionless for several minutes, arms open, whispering “come to paw” while everyone else scrambled for citronella candles and holy water.
“I used to swat ‘em,” Buford admitted, misty-eyed and holding a half-empty can of Off! like a war veteran holds a fallen comrade’s dog tags. “But then I realized, maybe the problem ain’t them. Maybe it’s me.”
Fontenot has since founded a non-profit organization called “Skeeter Sweeties”, advocating for the peaceful coexistence between humans and mosquitoes. Their motto? “Catch feelings, not just fevers.”
His movement has gained modest traction on Facebook, mostly among barefoot porch poets and at least one woman in Thibodaux, LA who claims she’s engaged to a mosquito named Maurice.
Health officials, meanwhile, are less than thrilled. “We strongly advise the public not to romanticize disease-carrying insects,” said Dr. Reed Carlton of the Mississippi Department of Health. “Mr. Fontenot’s views are… creative, but we recommend repellent. And therapy.”
Despite warnings, Buford is currently working on a children’s book titled “Mommy, the Mosquito Kissed Me” and has reportedly begun hosting weekly “Face-Huggin’ Circles” in his carport. The event is BYOB — Bring Your Own Blood.
